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Coke Addiction </3

I don't even know how to start off this entry. Words always flow to me, like a river. Its a gift, my gift.

Theese past couple of days have been a trial by fire. But the hard part is I am only a spectator, watching as some one I once loved is being torn to pieces. Frozen, no longer in a postion to help them. Or even talk to them.

I have recently learned that my ex is using coke.... For thoose who don't keep up with my journal here is a little background. 

My ex and I were together for three happy years. We lived together for a little over two years. We were happy and in love. We had our agruements. I won't sit here and tell you we lived a fairytell life. We didn't. It was hard work. From age 16 - 18 I worked hard and long, just like him, to make our life work. But we were happy. Then within the last six months everything changed. He changed. He devolped a nasty temper turned towards me for no reason at all. He would go out with his friends and not come home for a few days. He would break promises and lie to me all the time. Not even creative lies, but lies he knew I would find out. He would scream at me, call me a whore, slut and a cunt. For no reason.... I am not living in a delisional world. I know I have said harsh things to him when we were fighting but this came out of no where. It was six months of hell. I loved who he was, but I hated who he became. During theese six months I grew into a person that I like more and more everyday. It forced me to be my own person... (In long realtionships sometimes you lose yourself and become part of a whole, instead of two seperate people).  I knew I could make life work for myself. I was thinking about leaving him and devolping this new me. But it made me feel guilty. I thought that he was going through something and he would come to me when it was time. Most people ask me why I stayed and the answer is simple.  We had a good, long realtionship together. I didn't want to walk away from him when I thoguht he needed me. But none of that matters. One day he sent me a text message that it was over. 

I didn't cry. I didn't swear about him. I didn't scream, curse him, or break everything he owed. Do you want to know what I did?

I laughed.

It was over. I was so relieved and happy. I laughed and smiled as I packed up my things and broguht it to my parents. Every night that week me and my friends threw a party and just celerbrated life. Almost two months later I am still smiling.

Now I find out he is using coke. That he has been. Then for the first time I cried. I don't have any harsh feelings towards him. I did love him, I want us to be happy. Even  if we wern't happy together. I don't know what to think.... I don't want him to waste his life. He has blown over $3,000 since we broke up on coke. It hurts me to think that this is what changes him. That when I was feeling sorry for myself he was out doing this. Out doing this with money I worked 60+ hours a week to get. It hurts I never noticed. It just hurts....

He completley cut off all ties to me. We don't even talk. 

I kust don't know what to think and to feel.

What should I do? What do you think? </3 I am just heartbroken that I never knew and that I have been out having fun through all of this. 

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
sillybean27
May. 11th, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
Really, it isn't your fault. I know that you really did love him, and that you don't want him to screw his life up. But in this case I don't think it is your job to fix it. If he came to you in the future and asked for help, I wouldn't turn him away...but right now he is the one that cut you off--even when all you ever did was help and support him. If you find an opportunity to help him, sure, go for it. But at this moment I think you need to just let yourself continue to be free of him. Because he used you, and emotionally hurt you for all of those months, I think you having fun is something you owe to yourself. You already tried to help by staying in the relationship longer than your heart really wanted to. You stayed to help him. So do not feel guilty for having this time for yourself. You only have one life, and sometimes you have to put yourself first. I understand you're hurt, but just be happy that you didn't fall into the same lifestyle, and you still have a chance to sieze life and make it yours. That's my say in this.
confessions08
May. 11th, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
Your right... It just came to me like a blow in the stomach. My heart aches for him but I am tired of hurting because of him....
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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